Looking At Inner Darkness
Examining ourselves
We have a habit as humans of running from any kind of interior darkness. We don’t like to look at the darkest parts of ourselves. It’s too hard. It’s too painful. It’s easier to pretend those parts don’t exist. There’s one problem with that approach. We can’t grow if we don’t examine ourselves, and those parts of us that are dark will only get darker if left unexamined.
Don’t fear your inner darkness
There are sea creatures that not only adapt to darkness but thrive in it. Take the anglerfish which lives a mile below the surface of the Atlantic and Antarctic Oceans. The three-foot-long fish attract prey with a tip that lights up when they wiggle it. While we don’t want to attract prey, we can light up in emotional darkness to attract the kind of peace and joy that doesn’t depend on circumstances.
Maybe comparing yourself to a predatory animal doesn’t work for you because you were preyed upon as a child. Consider then the chambered nautilus that lives in deep water areas in the Western Pacific or the Indian Ocean. They will go down to depths of up to 2,000 feet during the day but at night will go to shallower water to find food. Only its outermost chamber is open and that’s the one where the animal with 90 tentacles resides. The other 30 or so chambers are filled with gas or liquid.
Your soul is vast
You have many chambers inside, just as the nautilus does. Teresa of Avila compares the soul to a castle with rooms in her book The Interior Castle. “Many souls remain in the outer court of the castle, which is the place occupied by the guards; they are not interested in entering it and have no idea what there is in that wonderful place, or who dwells in it, or even how many rooms it has,” she wrote.
What she means is that some people never go deeper in God who lives within a believer. We can’t go deeper with God if we refuse to look at our darkness. Holy Spirit likes to cast light on the dark areas within us but if we refuse to even glance at what He is showing us we put up a wall. Lack of intimacy with the one who created us is a result, and where there is no intimacy with God, there is no personal growth.
Going deeper in God
Teresa says that God “so deeply longs for our love that he keeps calling us to come closer.” Do you sense God calling you to deeper intimacy? Has God been shining a light on the dark parts of you? Don’t run from them. It’s not easy. God has lately shined a light on my need to control. It would be far easier to ignore that part of me and continue as I am, but as Glennon Doyle says in her book, Untamed, “We can do hard things.”
Yes, we can do what is hard and let God show us the parts of ourselves that we pretend are hidden from others. Believe me, they are not. People close to us sense what is inside of us by our words and actions. Every time I make a suggestion that is veiled guidance stemming from my need to try and fix people, those closest to me see that I am controlling and co-dependent. I may live in denial about it but they see the truth.
Join me in not only looking at the darkness within but asking God to show you how to overcome it. Yes, there will be pain. Personal growth of this kind is painful but a moment of pain is something we can handle in return for more joy, peace, and intimacy.
